RAMBLETRON 4.75.269

I decided that I was going to go on this social kick for April. 5 days a week, minimum, I'd do something social apart from my normal stuff. Go out alone. Hang with different groups of friends. Accept invites from people I didn't fully trust. Take trips to see old friends. Get the eff out of my comfort zone!

The goal of all of this was to try to get myself into a better mood. I've been known to hermit it up and stay home far too much, and consequently get depressed and lame. So I realized that I needed to make a valid effort to meet new people. Do new things. Again: get the eff out of my comfort zone.

And the results? Kind of failed.

I've spent way more money than normal. Haven't really met anyone new. (But I have discovered some people I thought were just basic friends were actually pretty damn good people.) I've made some pretty terrible choices. (oh, hi Sherriff. No. I haven't been drinking, thanks for pulling me over to check though.) Been hurt by some people I didn't expect it from. (you know who you are, ps: suck it) I've drank WAY too much. (oh shit, I'm gonna pee on this random object that doesn't belong to me.) And really, what results have I seen?

I dunno. I don't feel much different than I did a few weeks ago. If anything I'm a little more jaded than before. Maybe jaded isn't the right word. One of my fave sayings has always been "The grass is always greener on the other side, but it doesn't fucking matter because its still just goddamned grass". And maybe this has been an insight into how much that saying is completely true. Most of the people I see out night after night are just like me. They're searching for something. Maybe something that'll make them happy. Maybe something that'll make them complete. Maybe just something that'll make them forget their past for a few hours.

Maybe its time for bigger changes.

Heellllooooooo LIVEJOURNAL!!!!!

Does anyone actually read this anymore? I know I only pop on once or twice a week to see if anything is new. When did 5 paragraph long entries get replaced with 130 character facebook updates? I'm not sure if I like these turn of events, but I know that I am just as much to blame as anyone else.

I miss you LJ. I miss those days.

OK. Ladies. Here is a request. Either A. say "hi, boy. I like you, and want to be in a relationship with you." or B. "Hey, I like how you make me feel in bed, and I just want to bang you." BECAUSE HONESTY IS FUCKING IMPORTANT. Sorry about it.

Because that way when a random ex-stripper with great boobs wants to make out you'll be able to say "no, I have a lady, and she likes me." or "yes, let me see your great boobs". instead of being unable to make either choice. GODDAMNIT. FUCK RELATIONSHIPS.

Sometimes I get drunk and lonely and sign up for personals websites. I just got a message through one that said "ur profile made me laugh. what u like do?" Seriously?? SERIOUSLY? Is that a caveman? Looking for love via the internet by sending messages that say "what u like do?". God help us all, I will probably respond because I am just that lonely and desperate.

I'm over strip clubs.

Sure, there's a base, drunken, lonely desperate side of me that will always want to go to one. But once I get inside I'm always feeling the same way: bored. I know that these girls are there to make money. They don't want to give me a private dance to get to know me better. They know it's 20 bucks for 5 minutes of work.

I'm always really interested in the clientele. Who the fuck are these people? Why does that dude have a random patch of hair growing out of the side of his face? Who is that random single girl at the bar? Why do all of these dudes wear their hats backwards? I love that kind of shit. Dissecting strangers in my brain. Breaking them up into social groups based on their dress and behaviors.

I also like knowing people that work at these places. I much prefer talking to the manager or the bouncer than I do watching some girl making her ass jiggle on stage for a few dollar bills. Maybe I'll learn something from them, which won't happen watching someones cheeks shake.

I've always felt awkward in strip clubs. Which might be weird considering all of the strippers and assorted club workers I've known in the last 12 years. I've held their hands as they got their nipples pierced, and picked out their best pic to advertise things, and sold their kids comics, and listened to stories of creepy pervos, and god knows what else. I should be acclimated and used to seeing naked girls dancing on a stage. But nope. Doesn't ever happen. Sure, I know they're naked for a reason, but I still feel like I'm a creep for looking at their giners, regardless of whether I'm throwing dollar bills at them or not. Maybe its because I'm not their target demographic. Sure, I might be lonely, desperate, and sad. But I know I can't buy my way into someones vagina.

My mom wasn't able to breathe last night. It got to the point that even the oxygen machine she has to wear at night wasn't helping. So we call the paramedics, and they decide to take her in.

My mom is in getting an xray and being examined. I'm sitting in St. Charles' ER waiting room. The chair next to me has a copy of Good Housekeeping sitting on it, the cover has a bunch of gingerbread men. Someone has drawn penises on them in ballpoint pen. The television is playing South Park, where Cartman just sang "And I just want to feel you deep inside me, Jesus." And I just got a text message about going to a strip club.

Am I hallucinating? Am I dreaming? The bottles of hand sanitizer and stacks of complimentary face masks that are stacked up on the table bring it back to reality.

Have I mentioned that the last month has been shit? Well it has.

Jon and I go to see a friend bartending at a weird bar in the shilo inn. Meet a girl there. Talk to her. Things are going good. She's laughing. She says she likes my glasses and the way I'm dressed. Good signs, right?

So eventually we decide to leave, and I tell her we're taking off. She asks if she can come with me. Of course. Lets go!

We get in the car and she says "So, you guys are gay right?" Jon & me. No. We're not. We laugh, this is hilarious to me. HI-FUCKING-LARIOUS.

We get the blackhorse. Get a drink. She says: "I'm gonna go pee. You're really not gay?"
Nope. I'm not gay.
"oh, ok. I'll be right back."

Aaaannnnnd she didn't come back. At all.
And she didn't talk to me the rest of the night. Instead I watched her drunkenly hit on at least 3 other dudes, before finally seeing her make out with an old man with a handlebar mustache.

Really? REALLY? You wanna get drunk and make out with a stranger? And its that guy? Really?

I'm not cuter than that? I'm not better than some old fucking wannabe biker dude?

I should have had taken Courtney up on her offer to beat her up.

Fuck my life. Sara had the right idea.

Fed-Ex Sucks. They have NEVER been able to deliver a package promptly to my house. EVER. Every single time they either deliver to my neighbors, or call for directions, or reroute the package. I recently had two packages ship out on the same day from two different retailers. The fedex got delivered today, and it shipped from Nevada. The postal service package got delivered last week, and it shipped from FUCKING JAPAN. Seriously fedex? My nerd shit had to travel seven THOUSAND miles, AND had to get inspected by customs and they still delivered faster than it took you to deliver from a neighboring state. Suck it.

Customer asks for a supervisor today:

"I bought my cellphone 5 months ago, and now I dont like it. You should give me a new free one now because this one is old."
I tell her I can check on an upgrade, but it won't be free. Her exact response:
"WHAT? THAT IS HORSESHIT! YOU ARE RAPING ME! YOUR CELLPHONE COMPANY IS RAPING ME."

Because new cellphones and rape go hand in hand.

In 12 hours we're flying to Vegas. This means that in 11 hours the drinking will begin.

So I'd like to offer an early apology for any drunken, misspelled, accusatory, or offensive bulletins, blogs, comments, status updates, tweets, twitpics, text messages or picture message that may or may not occur over the next 3 days on any of the assorted social networking websites I am affiliated with.














haHAAA I am just kidding. I won't actually be sorry for anything I do.